Even after a domestic violence relationship is over, the violence may still come; well it did in my instance. It was the last time violence came my way any boyyyyy did it come hard. It was a nice windy day in October the second week to be exact. After making an extremely hard decision, I would soon regret the moment I said yes. A few weeks earlier in September we had gotten together to buy our daughter a few items for her 2nd birthday, presented them to her and even took a trip to Chuck E Cheese, drama free. Of course, there was conversation, some of which were about us getting back together and questions if I were dating someone else. Being the honest person I was, I said yes and had no intentions on getting back together. He denied being in any kind of relationship and acted as though he was so torn from our breakup and getting back together was the only way to mend his heart, but I knew better than that. I was finally in a good space and happy. Happy with who I was dating and just happy that I was no longer in an abusive relationship. Nothing came of the conversation, so I felt as though we were making progress to co-parenting and things would be great for our daughter to still have both her mom and dad. After missing her birthday party and no communication for a couple weeks, I grew suspicious on his motives and how this co-parenting would turn out.
My phone rung the first week in October, a bunch of apologies and excuses on why he missed her 2nd birthday party and why I hadn’t heard from him. He offered to send some money for her to go to the state fair and I accepted, not knowing his motives were for him to come with us, as a family. After sending the money, then came the real reason for sending the money, he wanted to come. At first I didn’t think it was a great idea and I kept saying no, then I decided to say yes, thinking of my daughter and him wanting to spend time with her, I felt as though it were innocent.
The second week in October I was getting dressed awaiting his arrival so we could take our daughter to the fair and put this behind us, my phone on the counter a knock at the door. I answered it and went back to my room to grab my things. In that little bit of time, I heard him on the phone talking volger to the person on the other end, then he put it on speaker and it was the guy I was dating. In that little amount of time he went through my phone and decided to start some drama, I was totally lost and confused; especially because just a few weeks ago we had a serious conversation and I was completely honest about dating someone else and all seemed well, but now he was acting as though he “caught” me cheating on him, it was totally random and weird. Hanging up the phone he immediately went into a rage, starting to destroy any and everything in site. My daughter standing there in the living room where we were witnessing this commotion, I tried to remain calm. Bashing the flat screen tv with a hammer to throwing my phone over the balcony across the street and grabbing my new laptop he started to hit it on his knee trying to break it in half. I begged him to stopped and calm down, but the more I did, the more anger came out.
Our daughter screaming and crying nothing phased him, he didn't even seem to care. He finally grabbed me and drug me to my bathroom choking me, telling me how he would kill me right then and there. I keep asking what was the point of him coming if he wanted to act this way, with him already knowing the information he acted as though he had just discovered. Then I realized, the fair, him wanting to spend time with our daughter, it was all an excuse, a lie, to come to my house and do exactly what he had done; to try and destroy me. With all the screaming and yelling and hitting, I was tired, here I was over this relationship, moved on and yet dealing with domestic violence, I was simply over it and had been for awhile. After he released me I ran in the living room to check on my daughter and he came out still yelling and fussing, talking about how this whole time he had been involved with someone else and that he had gotten someone else pregnant. All I could do was say congratulations and tell him how I wished him the best. So upset by my reaction he kept screaming. I grabbed my daughter and my things told him to call me when he left my place and I would return once he was gone. I put my daughter in the car and drove off. Driving around for awhile trying to give him time to leave, I was no longer hurt mentally or emotionally, only physical this time. I was upset I fell for the trick and allowed him to come into my home and destroy the things I and only I worked so hard for. I was upset at myself for allowing my daughter to witness such hatred and abuse.
After while I arrived back and home and he was still there. Calm wanting to apologize, he wanted to tell me that everything he said was a lie, that he was not involved with someone else and he had only said he had gotten someone else pregnant to make me mad, but I did not care what so ever. I gave the same response, that I wished him the best and I wanted nothing to do with him. He apologized as though he did nothing and left with no problem. He called about a week later wanting to tell me more dirt he had done while we were together years before and I stopped answering the phone. Leaving me various text and voice messages, cursing me out, telling me how he had slept with a family member to saying he loved me and he just wanted his family back, I deleted them as I received them with no return phone call or text. Eventually, he got the clue that I like I had said and proved it was over and no chance of getting back together, he hadn’t contacted me again until the following year.
I blame no one but myself for allowing this abuse to go on even after the relationship, however I had to learn to stop blaming myself and forgive myself as well as forgiving him. Abuse happens when someone allows it to happen, but sometimes it can happen even if you don’t allow it to happen. Never down yourself for something you have been through in your past. Allow yourself to learn from your past experiences to make better decisions. In my situation, I was not ready to tell others about the things I had experienced. I did tell the person I was dating at the time and he helped me through the situation tremendously. Even though the relationship did not work out, it taught me that a healthy relationship was possible and that there were men to there who knew how to treat women. I’ve heard people say don’t tell the person you are involved with about those situations because then they know too much or that they may try and take advantage of the situation. I do NOT agree. If you are serious with someone they should know your history, if they truly love you they will never take advantage of such a tragedy but instead help you overcome. When I met my husband, we discussed it and he is an active member in my organization against domestic violence. It was imperative for him to know the things I went through, so that it would not affect our relationship. Change starts with us, telling someone your story may be the key to helping others overcome their difficulties. God turned my mess into a message and what is now my testimony. It may not have been good going through, but with forgiveness it feels GREAT to be able to help others and possibly save someone from even going through what I did. I pray my life experiences help someone in some way, whether it is to forgive, let go, get out or get some help, knowing someone out there somewhere will get something from this my domestic violence encounters are not in vain, and that is something I can smile about.
My phone rung the first week in October, a bunch of apologies and excuses on why he missed her 2nd birthday party and why I hadn’t heard from him. He offered to send some money for her to go to the state fair and I accepted, not knowing his motives were for him to come with us, as a family. After sending the money, then came the real reason for sending the money, he wanted to come. At first I didn’t think it was a great idea and I kept saying no, then I decided to say yes, thinking of my daughter and him wanting to spend time with her, I felt as though it were innocent.
The second week in October I was getting dressed awaiting his arrival so we could take our daughter to the fair and put this behind us, my phone on the counter a knock at the door. I answered it and went back to my room to grab my things. In that little bit of time, I heard him on the phone talking volger to the person on the other end, then he put it on speaker and it was the guy I was dating. In that little amount of time he went through my phone and decided to start some drama, I was totally lost and confused; especially because just a few weeks ago we had a serious conversation and I was completely honest about dating someone else and all seemed well, but now he was acting as though he “caught” me cheating on him, it was totally random and weird. Hanging up the phone he immediately went into a rage, starting to destroy any and everything in site. My daughter standing there in the living room where we were witnessing this commotion, I tried to remain calm. Bashing the flat screen tv with a hammer to throwing my phone over the balcony across the street and grabbing my new laptop he started to hit it on his knee trying to break it in half. I begged him to stopped and calm down, but the more I did, the more anger came out.
Our daughter screaming and crying nothing phased him, he didn't even seem to care. He finally grabbed me and drug me to my bathroom choking me, telling me how he would kill me right then and there. I keep asking what was the point of him coming if he wanted to act this way, with him already knowing the information he acted as though he had just discovered. Then I realized, the fair, him wanting to spend time with our daughter, it was all an excuse, a lie, to come to my house and do exactly what he had done; to try and destroy me. With all the screaming and yelling and hitting, I was tired, here I was over this relationship, moved on and yet dealing with domestic violence, I was simply over it and had been for awhile. After he released me I ran in the living room to check on my daughter and he came out still yelling and fussing, talking about how this whole time he had been involved with someone else and that he had gotten someone else pregnant. All I could do was say congratulations and tell him how I wished him the best. So upset by my reaction he kept screaming. I grabbed my daughter and my things told him to call me when he left my place and I would return once he was gone. I put my daughter in the car and drove off. Driving around for awhile trying to give him time to leave, I was no longer hurt mentally or emotionally, only physical this time. I was upset I fell for the trick and allowed him to come into my home and destroy the things I and only I worked so hard for. I was upset at myself for allowing my daughter to witness such hatred and abuse.
After while I arrived back and home and he was still there. Calm wanting to apologize, he wanted to tell me that everything he said was a lie, that he was not involved with someone else and he had only said he had gotten someone else pregnant to make me mad, but I did not care what so ever. I gave the same response, that I wished him the best and I wanted nothing to do with him. He apologized as though he did nothing and left with no problem. He called about a week later wanting to tell me more dirt he had done while we were together years before and I stopped answering the phone. Leaving me various text and voice messages, cursing me out, telling me how he had slept with a family member to saying he loved me and he just wanted his family back, I deleted them as I received them with no return phone call or text. Eventually, he got the clue that I like I had said and proved it was over and no chance of getting back together, he hadn’t contacted me again until the following year.
I blame no one but myself for allowing this abuse to go on even after the relationship, however I had to learn to stop blaming myself and forgive myself as well as forgiving him. Abuse happens when someone allows it to happen, but sometimes it can happen even if you don’t allow it to happen. Never down yourself for something you have been through in your past. Allow yourself to learn from your past experiences to make better decisions. In my situation, I was not ready to tell others about the things I had experienced. I did tell the person I was dating at the time and he helped me through the situation tremendously. Even though the relationship did not work out, it taught me that a healthy relationship was possible and that there were men to there who knew how to treat women. I’ve heard people say don’t tell the person you are involved with about those situations because then they know too much or that they may try and take advantage of the situation. I do NOT agree. If you are serious with someone they should know your history, if they truly love you they will never take advantage of such a tragedy but instead help you overcome. When I met my husband, we discussed it and he is an active member in my organization against domestic violence. It was imperative for him to know the things I went through, so that it would not affect our relationship. Change starts with us, telling someone your story may be the key to helping others overcome their difficulties. God turned my mess into a message and what is now my testimony. It may not have been good going through, but with forgiveness it feels GREAT to be able to help others and possibly save someone from even going through what I did. I pray my life experiences help someone in some way, whether it is to forgive, let go, get out or get some help, knowing someone out there somewhere will get something from this my domestic violence encounters are not in vain, and that is something I can smile about.